I have learned many things since my dad passed. I have been milling them around in my mind and know that writing about them may ease the hurt I feel inside. My heart aches as I think of the memories, of the camping trips, of the valentines day flowers (without fail), of the "it'll be ok, honey's", and the warm security that he brought.
My life has been turned upside down since he left. I moved from the big city back to my hometown suburban city. I moved back in with my mom. I left good prospects of a building client base for teaching. I left the city I felt fulfilled in. I moved back to the car-dependent, homogeneous, narrow-minded town I grew up in. I am to be moving out in a couple of weeks to be totally financially depended --for the first time in my life. Even when I lived overseas, while in college, while living in the city, I wasn't totally on my own. My dad would pay for my cell phone bill, he would keep my on his health insurance, if I needed use of a car, I could use one.
But now, within the last two months, I:
Lost my dad to cancer
Moved back home
Realized I couldn't get a real job with my BA degree
Decided to start grad school
Chose to move out
Will be paying my rent, utilities, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, cell
I know that may sound like, well, duh, she is in her twenties, she should be financially responsible. She should be on her own. I have been on that trajectory for quite some time, but it has all hit the fan since my dad died. Dealing with grief on top of the turmoil of self-sufficiency and embracing adulthood is a daunting task.
So here is the a of things I have learned since my dad being diagnosed with cancer and him passing:
#1. Never over-estimate the time you have left. Make every moment count. It does not make your faith less by cherishing moments you have now. It doesn't negate your belief that there can be a miracle, but "terminal" most likely means "terminal".
#2. Sacrifice yourself and your time while your loved one is battling a terminal illness. Work, social life, household chores, they can all wait.
#3. Don't bull-doze health care providers. Nurses, doctors, and medical staff are there to provide for your loved one. They have earned degrees. They have years of experience. Trust them.
#4. Alternative options are just that, alternative. Utilize the first options doctors give you. There is a reason why they are the first options. Grey's Anatomy's clinical trials are not real life. Look at those options after chemo, radiation, and surgery have already been assessed.
#5. Get over the stigma of Hospice. While you are wrestling with what that decision means, realize that holding on too long is just creating more pain and suffering for your loved one. Hospice is not "throwing in the towel", it is giving your loved one more quality, pain free time here on earth when you know the days are numbered. There are many patients that come out of hospice and go on to live longer.
#6. Don't burn bridges with your family. Battling cancer and any other life-threatening illness takes a toll on the family. Emotions run high, expectations run high, and no one knows what they are doing. Those times are the most important times to be filled with kindness, compassion, and patience.
#7. Get life insurance. I don't know where my mom would be if there was no life insurance. My father was very smart and very savvy when it came to finances. My mother has not worked in over 20 years. We were able to pay off the mortgage and the cars, she is able to live off the money until her retirement, social security, and medicare kick in.
#8. Cling to the all-knowing, all-powerful Savior who weeps with those who weep and mourns with those who mourn. I hate to say this, but I have been tempted to scrap the whole faith thing, and just wallow in self-pity, despair, and heartache. But hope is the only thing that we can cling to. Hope in a loving Creator, hope in Eternity with HIM, hope of reconciliation with your loved ones, hope in a purpose here in earth.
